Life after dropping out of Uni / Finding your path..

I have been pretty M.I.A ever since I wrote 'The Reality Of Being A Uni Dropout'. So in case you wondered - life does continue when you decide to 'dropout' of University.

There is a terrible stigma attached to people who drop out of University. They are almost seen as failures to those around them. I think some people deemed me clinically insane when I decided to drop out after one week.. I mean, I know I didn't give it a massive whirl but if it ain't right, it ain't right. I was insanely lost when I left University. I didn't know which direction I was going other than what seemed to be down. The options that are given to people in schools are 'uni' or 'uni' or....oh sorry there isn't another option it's just Uni. With this is mind - what the heck was I supposed to do but to wonder if I'd made a massive mistake?!

I knew that I wasn't alone. Statistics showed that there were dropouts here there and everywhere. I almost felt like I needed to join a dropout group chat just for moral support. I was back to the drawing board. I looked into more University courses (purely because that's all that exists, right?) and I also looked into getting thrown into work and apprenticeships.

When I looked into other University options I cried into my desktop..'Not this again', I thought to myself as I scrolled through various courses that bored me to my core.

Most of the jobs that I was interested in required a degree *shock*. This triggered further feelings of doubt..could I get a job without a degree?

Finally, I researched apprenticeships.

My understanding of apprenticeships prior to research was that they were for the less academically inclined and were mainly for labour trades. I knew I didn't want to be an electrician but a career in plumbing tickled my fancy...in another universe...

It took me a while but I stumbled across a large media company's website advertising for apprentice positions. I was shocked. I didn't even know that the media industry did apprenticeships, let alone one of the world's most popular TV media providers. I started scrolling further through the possibilities and options for the types of apprenticeships that were available. I found one in the digital and marketing sector. It looked perfect. The job description, the company I'd be working for and the invaluable opportunities and contacts that I would be making in the meantime were amazing. It was a creative role in an industry that has always been my other main passion other than fashion.

So I clicked apply and begun my application.

Months went by and I'd heard nothing back. In the meantime I was still trying to find a standard 9-5 to keep me sane but everything seemed difficult. I ended up doing jobs that I hated and I felt like Alice falling down the rabbit hole - finding herself drowning in her own tears. It was a tough little segment of my life. I knew I couldn't continue floundering around and I felt like I had no choice but to flounder. I felt like I was giving but getting nothing back.

Until I got an e-mail inviting me for a workshop day. Following the hardcore workshop day (which was full of challenging yet fun tasks), I got an e-mail asking me to attend an interview. A couple of hours after my interview, I got a phone call to say that I got the job.

I was absolutely overjoyed.

All my worries were lifted off my shoulders.
I no longer felt like a failure. Getting my apprenticeship position was harder than getting into University. The number of applications they had were in their thousands per spot.

I finally feel proud to say what I'm doing with my life. I feel a sense of achievement when I say where I work and what I do. I also feel excited about my future instead of petrified that I was destined for a fast food chain (not that there's anything wrong with that career path but boxing fried chicken isn't for me).

I have been doing my apprenticeship since September and I love it.
It is hard work and it's diverse. I don't have a 'daily schedule' because hello, it's a creative industry and there's something different everyday. The apprenticeship suits me wonderfully. It's a mixture of learning blocks and work time so I get to do the two things I love most. I'm making amazing contacts and getting to meet some incredibly talented people. I've made new friends and found new skills to develop.

I think a lot of 'bad vibes' surround apprenticeships and the opinions that people have of them are often pretty low. I hate to raise my hand and say that I'm guilty in thinking they were just designed for people who 'didn't want to go to Uni' or alternatively who couldn't go. When asked to describe apprentices a lot of people say 'lazy'. Some people don't even know what they are. Apprenticeships are basically a paid learning/work experience. You are employed by a company and you work for them, using your skills and learning new ones to complete daily tasks. In my case, the tasks are media based and are generally all things digital and marketing. That's a good thing because it's what I applied for. My job is a win-win situation because I get paid to learn whereas in University you pay a good buck of your own/borrowed money to be there.

I'm sure that I'll be chatting some more about my apprenticeship in the future because it's what I'm living and breathing from 9-5. Dropping out of University was so far the best thing I've ever done in my life. It saved me three years of enduring an educational path that I didn't want to do and has opened doors to opportunities that are more suited to me.

But, for now, I bid you farewell as my update is over. I'm doing an apprenticeship in a cool and funky place,  meeting cool and jazzy people and having a cool and snazzy time.

Have you cringed to death at my purposeful use of cool? Me too.
Goodbye.

Let's Talk Aesthetic....

Ok, so I have a blog. But, something that I have been struggling with ever since the 'Big Dog' bloggers got into full force is my aesthetic.

I constantly feel inadequate. I don't spend time fiddling with filters and Photoshop to make my blog look clean and polished. To be honest it's a mixture of feeling like I am lucky if I have enough time to blog full stop and then feeling overwhelmed.

I love taking pictures. But, I often feel like I don't want to feature in photos. I also don't know where to start..
My favourite blogs, however, do have killer pictures. They have an aesthetic that is so perfect that it makes me feel relaxed and on edge all at once. I know that sometimes it can be as simple as using a consistent filter and it can't be that hard but still I seem to stress.... I don't attempt to be 'aesthetic goals' in any way. In fact, I really didn't care for a long time. Until I realised that I think it's damaging my blog.

On one of my many blogging breaks, I continued to read blogs. I also then compared my blog to the blogs that I love and that are marginally successful. I don't try and generate traffic to my blog. I don't try to grow my followers on any platform. That side of blogging didn't attract me. I only ever blogged for enjoyment. I didn't particularly aim to market my blog. But if I want to blog and make it worthwhile, surely I should be doing these things? Otherwise my blog gets lost in the many blog domains of the Internet now.

Sometimes I don't understand myself. I know that I should be taking all these steps if I want to continue blogging. I think I'm just stuck in my 2012 blog. In 2012 there wasn't a pressure of an aesthetic. First and foremost, for me personally, it was about my writing. I loved the creative process of writing and developing a blog post - starting with my frantic fingers dancing around the keyboard and developing it into a fully fledged blog post.

I have dipped in and out of blogging for the past two years. It hasn't been intentional. I just felt like I was out of my depth with the aesthetics. I never stopped loving writing and creating blog posts. I just knew that I was lacking in the steps that I needed to take to progress as a blogger.

I am a driven and motivated person. It's taken me this long to fully accept what I need to do to make my blog better and more modern. So, I guess, one of my goals for 2018 is to jump onto the aesthetic bandwagon. Pictures do matter when it comes to blog posts. They liven up the words. When I was little I loved a good picture book. They made the words come to life and made the story interesting. Blogging is an adult version of a childhood story book.. In most cases, they're our diaries which we publish for others to read. They are the inner workings of our thoughts and opinions. So, why not add a picture?

Things I need to consider when developing my aesthetic will be;

Purchasing an interesting plant (and keeping it alive)

Making sure I have a good fashion mag at hand to throw into the background

Making a good cup of coffee to hold casually (even though I totally cannot drink caffeine) 

A snuggly blanket to drape over my leg - possibly pairing it with the coffee to create the ultimate 'snuggle vibe'? 

Exploring and taking pictures locally where I am casually looking into the distance

Featuring my iPhone

Taking a picture of my blogging set up (well, at least making a blogging set up because I'm currently in my pyjamas with a pillow resting my laptop precariously on my legs).. 

Find a nice wall to stand against 

Make use of my multiple outfits and pose.. (avoid smiling).

and that's just the start!

If the above list sounds like a bit of a poke at 'aesthetic goals', well, that's because it sort of is.
It's slightly crazy to my 2012-self that aesthetic makes for a good blog these days. But, on the other hand - I totally get it! Duh, picture books vibe, Hol?! 

So, have I made a good start? Did my attempt of the aesthetic image make my blog post a creature comfort? Admittedly if you look close enough you can still see the hot chocolate powder around the edges of the mug and my image placement isn't at its best. But, to be honest, for a first go at being a 2018 blogger - I'm pretty content. Of course, this is just an example. I am aiming for my pictures to be more polished and thought out. I aim to give just as much thought to the pictures that partner my blog posts as the writing.

To be honest, this is just one small tiny step that I plan on taking in terms of improving my blog. I have a lot more coming up which is super exciting. My blog will see a lot of changes this year..

This aesthetic journey will be good for me. I will be stretching my photography skills and making use of my Photoshop subscription. Wish me luck boys and gals....

New Year, New Me?

As 2017 has drawn to a close, I have taken some time to think about all the things that have happened and that I have achieved over the past year. I think that this reflective process is something that pretty much everyone goes through when they are approaching a New Year. Although it is only really a change in date, it can also be an opportunity for a nice 'fresh start'.

I have decided to do a small summary. Although I have a good brain and memory, I obviously cannot remember every day of the year. Perhaps this is something that I will change in the upcoming year..Maybe I should pick up on the trend of writing a sentence a day...or maybe that would be another thing I would have to do daily.

 I celebrated my first ever Valentines Day with my perfect boyfriend

Ever since I started having hormones, I always wanted a Prince Charming of my own. I always wanted that perfect boyfriend. The boyfriend that dotes on your like you're a Princess but also lets you be your own bad ass self. Well, in 2016 I got one of those 'Prince Charmings'. I'm pretty happy with him. On February 14th, 2017 - I celebrated my first ever Valentines Day. It was special and it was a great moment.

I went to Copenhagen! 
This was my first holiday abroad with my BF! We loved exploring even though the weather was on the cold side!

I had another health scare...

I almost didn't put this into my timeline but it happened and it was pretty significant.
In the earlier months of the year, I got told by an incompetent, idiotic doctor that I had cancer.
THIS WAS INCORRECT. IT WAS WRONGLY DIAGNOSED AND BASED ON VERY LITTLE EVIDENCE AND NO MEDICAL EXAMINATION.
So, just to reiterate she was wrong. She made the decision to tell me that I had it based on looking at the large lump in my throat. She told me it could be nothing else but cancer.

I felt a wave of terror surge through my body. I cried and walked out of the Doctor's room.

I spent weeks thinking she was right. I was on a long waiting list for a scan. I didn't think she could be wrong. After all, she was a Doctor, she was bound to know what cancer looked like...

Well, it turns out a Thyroglossal cyst looks a lot like cancer.
A massive lump in my throat that suddenly appeared out of nowhere..
It wasn't until I had a scan done by a specialist that I was told that it was nothing to worry about.
The cyst was harmless.

This was the scariest moment of 2017.
Although I was fortunate enough to have the clear and for it to just be a cyst - the scare made me appreciate my life all over again.

I changed my hair (again) 

As part of a fresh start, I changed my hair again. I wanted something new. So, I decided to bleach my whole head.... I regret this deeply as my hair progressively started snapping off..but, I lived in the moment.

I went on holiday to Thassos!

This was the first holiday that my boyfriend and I had gone on in the sunshine! It was May so it wasn't boiling and to be honest we did see a fair few clouds..But nevertheless it was good to go away.

I lost one of the strongest women I've ever known to the angels.

At the time of my loss I wrote a blog post dedicated to my Grandmother. It was a way for me to write down everything I felt and to pay tribute to her in my own small way. I didn't publish it. All my emotions were raw and it felt too personal. But, something that I majorly went through was loss in 2017. It was extremely tough and was painful. She was one of the toughest cookies that this earth will ever have. She struggled with a long cancerous battle and pulled through harsh attacks of illness so many times. She was the longest survivor in the UK of her type of cancer. But despite this she was always full of laughter and love even until the end. I will always miss her and she is forever in my heart.

I moved out

Although this should have been very exciting, moving out fell into the same week as my loss. It felt like an inappropriate time for me to leave my family home with all things considered. But, life has to carry on so I moved out. We hated the house that we had chosen and we learnt so many lessons about moving out and renting within the months that we lived there. I will probably write a blog post on what I learnt and my experience soon - so, stay tuned!

I got my dream job

This was the highlight in a tough time for me. I managed to get the job of my dreams. It was my biggest achievement in 2017.

I bought my own car

On finance but I did it! I finally own my own car after four years of driving someone else's and it feels goooood!

I moved out again

We managed to miraculously get out of our tenancy early. Our previous house had so many issues and it was time we cut ties with it. It had horrible energy (yes, I believe that places have energies!) and it was no good for us. We are now living in an amazing flat with a sea view. Even though it does break the bank slightly...

I had my first ever Anniversary!!

Yay! My first big relationship milestone. I felt proud that I was finally in a relationship that lasted more than three months... Previously to finding the one that made me this happy and feel like a Princess, I found relationships laborious and a chore..not any more!!


Overall, 2017 was quite life changing for me. I found my dream job, I moved out, bought a car, explored the world and experienced a massive loss. It was eventful to say the least. I believe that everything that happens in life happens for a reason. Even my loss meant that my beautiful Grandmother was finally at peace and not fighting a miserable battle daily. She is with the angels.

2017 taught me a lot. I grew up majorly when I moved out and my worries started becoming things like, 'Do we have enough toilet paper at home?'. Life is a funny old thing. But one thing's for sure, I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a lot of goals for 2018. I am going to be writing them up in a notebook which may transpire into a blog post. At least if I publish my goals onto the internet I may feel a pressure to actually achieve them..

2018 - I'm coming at you with force! This shall be my year to shine and blossom (I've decided, so it must be true..)

What were your 2017 highlights and big moments?

20 Things That Brighten Up My Day

Today I thought that I would do a casual post and a positive one! I don't usually upload anything but essays onto my blog but maybe it's time that I mix it up. I'll admit, I'm writing an introduction because I felt like listing twenty things wasn't enough content..but as a mid-week 'hi' from me - I'm doing it. Here are 20 things that brighten up my day;

An unedited picture of my apartment view...I feel very lucky to live here! 

1. A sunny day - A nice ray of sunshine can really brighten up my day - literally.

2. A random text from a friend - Everyone is so busy! We are all consumed with our own lives and with what's happening that we can forget to text people back/at all. A nice 'Hello' reminds me that I have friends that care. Sometimes we get so busy that we go months without seeing each other. But when I randomly get a text from a friend, it can really cheer me up even if I'm not sad!

3. A kiss from my boyfriend - He makes me happy, there's nothing more I can add..

4. A cuddle from my dogs - I couldn't love my little furry pets more. A cuddle from them makes me feel filled to the brim with love and it's nice.

5. When a stranger says hello or smiles - Let's face it - sometimes you get suspicious if a stranger is too friendly.. You start thinking they want something and after all, we were always told not to accept sweets from strangers. But, when they're not creepy and just genuinely lovely - a smile or a greeting from a stranger is the best. Hello to you too, stranger!

6. When I get to do housework efficiently - I have developed boring luxuries and doing my housework efficiently can really brighten up my day. It makes my living space calmer and more pleasant and it fills me with glee.

7. Playing my favourite song - I am currently vibing Taylor Swift's entire album..

8. No traffic on my daily commute (if only) - I HATE TRAFFIC! Make it go away...

9. Good meals - I have a chef as a boyfriend. Well, actually he's not a 'pro' but he's my Ramsey. I appreciate a good meal on the table and a full tummy.

10. Chocolate - I'm not going to expand on this... chocolate fills me with utter delight.

11. When my ASOS parcel has arrived - I'm a shopaholic. Ordering clothes for myself or other people and having them delivered to my door instantly makes my day glorious.

12. Stepping outside - Sometimes I forget to go on walks. I walk into the entrance of work and back to my apartment. My job is office based. This means that I'm sat on my butt all day. When I get a rare moment or a day off to step outside it makes me feel refreshed.

13. Plastering a smile on my own face - Thinking positive does wonders for my mindset.

14. Chatting to someone new - I'm a sociable person and I chat a lot. I chat even more than I type on these blog posts. So, when I get a chance to meet someone new, it' always exciting for me.

15. Digitally detoxing - There's nothing like a good old digital detox every now and then. If I have been on my phone less throughout the day, I immediately feel mentally healthier! I feel less bogged down with social, online 'noise'. However, I do miss the puppy videos on Facebook and start to develop withdrawal symptoms...

16. Buying someone a present - I love buying presents! I love seeing people's reactions and making someone happy with a surprise is the cutest.

17. Spreading the love - Being positive and lovable makes everyone else's day so much nicer. Spreading the love is rewarding.

18. Snuggling up with a blanket and a hot drink - Ah, bliss!

19. Being tagged in puppy videos on Facebook - I simply love dogs. I especially love small, little puppies on video being adorable. Being tagged in puppy videos on Facebook is the only reason that I have a Facebook account. Legit.

20. Knowing Christmas is coming (any month of the year - it's always coming..) - My name is Holly after all....

What brightens up your day? 

How to write a daily gratitude diary...

My unedited view of our family's front garden // our cabana in Colorado. 

I have been writing a gratitude diary since August. I have only successfully been writing a gratitude diary daily for a month, however. But I find it so rewarding focusing on the things that I am grateful for. It takes five seconds to jot down a few things that have made you smile that day or in general. I have found the mental benefit to be massive. Here are my tips for when you write your daily gratitudes: 

 Finding gratitude on crappy days 

We all have days where we are feeling a bit sorry for ourselves. Some days we have reason to feel like that and others are somewhat self-inflicted. But this is where the magic of writing gratitude comes in. There will be at least one thing that gives you comfort and that you are grateful for. Writing your 'core gratitudes' down on these days will help you massively. For example, on really bad days, my Mum or my boyfriend will have undoubtedly pampered me in some way. It might have been as simple as them listening to my worries, giving me a cuddle or making me a cup of tea. But the little things that they will have done that day will have cheered me up. 

Efforts that people make with you should always be noted.

Cuddles with your cat, dog, teddy or human will have comforted you in some way. 

Reading a magazine article that you can relate to.

Online shopping that's helped be your distraction (this is always therapy in my eyes.)

If you're lucky enough to be healthy, write that down - it's always something to be grateful for. 

Your favourite film 

Write down little things you are grateful for and you'll soon find yourself more aware that things are better than they seem. 

Write anything down that makes you feel good.

You can be grateful for anything that makes you feel awesome.

Write it down because the next time you feel bad you can repeat those things and surround yourself with them. It will make you smile to see what made you feel better that day in the future.

Good places to start are;

Writing about what you have achieved (this can be big or small. Had your five-a-day? Write down your accomplishment!).

Things that have filled your day with joy (Music? A poem? A book?)

People that supported you 

Compliments that you have received or given 

Gratitude that you have shown to other people

 (Trying to do this daily is also so beneficial. A simple check-in text goes a long way but any other gestures will always be noticed.) 

The list really is endless...think small before you think big! 

Writing gratitude in a time and place that suits you 

The most important thing about writing your gratitude diary is that you don't do it to prove anything. You shouldn't beat yourself up if you miss a day. I found writing my diary before bed is the easiest, it doesn't feel like a massive effort. I pick up my pen and my notebook, scribble a couple of things that have been good that day and go to sleep with a pretty good mindset. 

What does gratitude mean to you? 

Gratitude just translates into being thankful, so really, it's an individual thing. Achieving things daily will also fill me with a feeling of fulfilment, I am thankful for those feelings. It sounds weird but you really can stretch being thankful into anything. To me, my gratitude diary is full of things that have made me feel good. 

Believing In Yourself

 I have made a few choices over the past two years that have taken a lot of balls. Not to big up myself or anything but I think it's about time that I recognise it. I have chosen to re-route my life and take an unexplored path. I have chosen to break free from the 'normality' and do what I want with my life. This has not been at all easy. I have had ups and I have had some major downs. One thing that has been super essential to all my decisions is having belief in myself and more importantly, my decisions.

Believing in yourself is a major skill to learn in life. It really has taken some time for me to develop it. Having a break away from education and other influences that try and spoon-feed you opinions made me feel lost but also enlightened. I formed my own ideas of what I wanted from my life and contrary to popular opinion around me - it wasn't further education. I had to believe in myself and my capabilities to turn down what were essentially fantastic educational opportunities. I had moments where I felt like a person who was made up from part water and part idiot.

It's hard to know what direction you are going in life but to have a goal and a recognition of your capabilities and skills is paramount. I have only recently decided what direction I want to go in my life. I brainstormed what made me happy, what skills I had and set myself a goal.

If someone turned around three years ago and told me that I wouldn't be going to Uni (yay) but would be lost for two years - I think I would've cried for days. I have considered so many different career pathways over the past few years. I dropped out of Uni with the mindset that I would focus on acting - then freaked out about the employability rates..I then re-considered the fashion industry and then went in a circle again and found myself contemplating University for a round three (ha, ha, ha - NO!). Finding your passions and what's right for you doesn't have a time limit and shouldn't ever be rushed. I felt anxious that I would never find something that would make me feel motivated and excited. I doubted my decision of dropping out of University regularly. I knew ultimately I had made no mistakes, I just hadn't found a good 'quick-fix' solution. Having confidence in each of your decisions in life is so important. Self-doubt is destructive and unhealthy.

This is the beginning of my journey and I believe that I can achieve the goals that I have set out to achieve. I have dreams and aspirations like any normal person but convincing myself that they will come true has been a longer process.

 I guess the moral from this little essay of mine is just to believe in yo'self!! Be a girl boss and don't give a damn what anyone thinks. Be reckless in the best kinds of ways and set goals that are reachable and that excite you. In theory, we only have one life - spend it the way you want!

Faking it VS being an open book of emotions

It's taken me twenty years to realise just how fake people are. I know how negative that sounds but really it's not a negative realisation at all but a massively comforting one.

Human nature programmes us all to compare ourselves to others. Social media is the best way we can do this. We are fed images and captions of places that people are taking themselves, who they are spending their time with and how amazing their life is. We are looking at a collage of carefully selected and edited photos showing us 'their lives'. People advertise themselves on social accounts and in conversation. Having a brutally truthful and honest discussion with someone about their life is enlightening but it is also super rare.

I am a very open person with the people in my life. I didn't really clock that this was unusual until fairly recently. I find myself being honest about my opinions and my life. I love acting as a hobby but when it comes to my life, I would rather show people the bare bones as it were. Lies only breed more lies. I actually find it impossible not to be honest. If someone asks me a question they'll get my real answer. I'm not driven by appearances and seeming OK. Sure, if I'm having a hormonal day, I might not choose to unleash my fire on an undeserving member of the public. But I also won't drag my smile up to my eyebrows and pretend rainbows fall from my arse - I suppose I find it too much effort.

There's one thing that I have learnt from my twenty years of living - it's OK not to be one hundred percent all the time. It's actually un natural and inhuman. I don't really mean that you should show your frown and be grumpy day-in, day-out because then you'll be Mr no mates. But maybe the next time someone asks you a question on how you're going - answer it honestly if you feel comfortable in their company.

As a result you might find that the person you are talking to will lose their fake facade and also open up. Alternatively you'll find yourself doing a mini monologue and feel alone. You may feel enlightened that you've had a bit of a chat about your 99 problems (but facing your emotions ain't one).

In a world where most people are saying how glorious their life is, in contrast I have often felt a bit alone and like a sack of problematic potatoes...It has taken a lot of digging to realise that people are mostly showing their fake surface. Most people have adopted the fake it til' you make it kind of approach. Which, I personally commend in one way but also feel like that must be a super tiresome life. It's true that we really don't know what people are going through. While I like to talk and chat, a lot of people prefer to either be private or convince themselves they're OK.

As part of turning twenty this month and feeling a little bit more like an adult since losing my 'teen' addition to my age - I have vowed to keep this in mind the next time I feel like my life is crumbling. I am an emotional person. I won't usually reveal this part of myself but I have always been honest and open about most aspects of my life. Being the antithesis to those who 'fake it', it can be hard to understand why my life doesn't feel/sound as perfect as theirs all the time.

 Reality check - our lives are exactly the same. No one's life is 'perfect'. People have issues and anxieties, they just don't talk about them. 

Are you a fake it til' you make it kinda human or an open bag of emotions? 

Why I Ditched Lie-ins

Firstly, I am not entirely sure what happened to my eyes in this quick doodle. But, to be honest, it's an accurate representation of what I look like when I rise early in the morning.  Welcome to such a sight. Here I lie; bewildered, wild and racoon-eyed as the remnants from last night's makeup fiercely hold on for dear life around my nicely formed eye-bags. This is a typical morning. 

Before now, I would soak up all the hours of sleep that I wanted. Sometimes, I would arise way past the 'morning' hours - entering into 'late afternoon' territory. I'll put my hands up and admit, this was extremely lazy of me. I may as well have been a 'sloth' descendant. 

I thought I was fairly happy with my lazy routine. I felt 'well rested' and smug that I'd enjoyed hours of slumberous sleep. Little did I know that this routine was having such negative impacts on me. 

For starters, I discovered that by cutting my hours of sleep - I was wondrously more productive. I will never be a 'morning' person. Although I can function relatively well soon after my early rise, my brain power isn't always at full throttle. However, because I was awake earlier, I was planning for my day ahead and at least making a start on the tasks that I wanted to accomplish. 

I also found that by cutting my hours of sleep that I didn't actually ever need as many as I was getting. Often, after too many hours of 'dream time', I would spend the rest of the day as if I was still in that dream. My state of mind was incredibly cloudy and my head felt all fuzzy. Too much sleep was the culprit. 

As soon as I slashed those 'sleeping' hours down to the recommended eight hours, I no longer had that 'head in the clouds' sensation. I'm sure this isn't the case for everyone, but it certainly made a massive difference for me. 

The next discovery is going to sound obvious but I realised just how many hours there were in a day! I realised the obvious - sleeping for long durations of time decreases the amount of 'alive' time in the day. I found that I could be more leisurely in the mornings - enjoying the process of 'getting ready' and investing time into making a healthy, nutritious breakfast to start my day off. This has made a huge impact on the way that I function throughout the day. 

All in all, my lie-ins were actually my worst enemy. They sent me into a false sense of security. Just because I was stealing those extra moments of 'slumber' did not mean that I was 'well rested'. I was badly rested - too rested!! I was so rested that I wasn't even able to function like a human. I had reached a level of 'rest' that is unknown to humans. I missed being normal.

I used to curse at the wretched alarm clock. I basically cried every time I heard that insulting, nagging, frantic noise. But now, I realised its just my mate telling me to start the day. 

 I will never love my alarm clock - I'm programmed to detest it, just a little but it's helping me with life - so I can't complain. The point is, I've ditched my lie-ins and I'm happier this way. This post is not supposed to be revolutionary. Perhaps I'll receive some comments of a shocked nature. People may even question if I'm descendant from human ancestry after reading such a piece of personal news. But, despite the fact that I'm still sleepy in the mornings and get tempted by more hours of sleep luring me to the 'dark side' - I'm happier rising before mid-day. 

To most people my eight o'clock rise (nine o'clock on an indulgent day) is still a lie-in. In this case, I am sorry to be so inconsiderate...I suppose this post has now lost its value for you. But, for the rest of you lazy ones - try shifting out of bed earlier than your instinct tells you. The morning hours are more  pleasant than you may think but don't shoot the messenger! 

Goals & Wishes

Every year since I can remember I have made New Year's resolutions. They usually follow the same common theme;

Work out like a badass and find my long lost abs. 

 Eat healthy like sugar was never discovered.

Buy less - fill my purse with money not receipts. 

Do not drink a drop of alcohol, it is poisonous and bad - very bad. 

Go to bed early! Drop everything and just go to sleep. Sleep = beauty. 

Yeah, we've all done it. You probably did it in January and broke it on day three latest. This year I have decided to set out goals and wishes that I hope will happen in 2017. It's a no pressure kind of situation, so if it doesn't happen - no biggie, I'm not going to be crying into my pillow if not. But here are the things I hope to achieve and wish for this year: 

Write. 

Start my own book - turn my ideas into reality. 

Continue writing poems.  

Keep creating online content - blog, write articles and keep being creative. 

Travel 

Explore as much as I can! 

Stay cultured :) 

Put time aside to browse new artists

Read the news more often 

Read at least two books a month 

Keep finding poets. 

Create monthly playlists - music transforms your mood, remember that grumpy! 

Creative work

Get a placement in a creative industry and work hard to create the career that I want. 

And there it is. It's not extensive, it's not crazy and there's no banning chocolate out of my life. If there's one thing that I've learnt is that a Magic Star is truly magical and chocolate is therapy. 

What's The Point In Blogging?

Hi again.

Back in my November archives is a blog post 'Why I'm Back To Blogging After 9 Months'. I listed all the things I'd done in my 9 month hiatus from blogging. It was in that blog post that I also vowed that I was 'back to blogging' and that lasted a glorious couple of days and then I ditched my blog again. My bad.

Each time I take a break from my blog and take a step back I find myself thinking, 'what is the point in blogging?'. These days there are SO many blogs; some with millions of readers and followers and some that are being created every time I blink with just their cat reading. With that in mind, the blogging world is totally different to when I first started out. It's a completely different realm of cyberspace now. Everyone is trying to copy their favourite blogger, writing about the same mundane things that we all still love reading about and we're all clones of one another. Sure there are different types of blogs with different stories to tell but we're all doing the same sort of thing - blabbering our way into the blogger-sphere.

I have also started to feel like a slight failure with my blog. 2016 was a pathetic year for my blog and I only wrote 16 posts..that makes me feel like I'm so far in the dumps that I am an actual trash can. At the start of my journey I was writing consistently. I was getting brands that wanted to work with me and enjoyed every single second. I couldn't wait to open my laptop and write a blog post. Today, I find the task of writing a blog post sad. I'm not sure how many people will read it or care. This mindset results in a lack of motivation and inspiration. That being said, my stats prove me wrong as I am still getting views to this day when there is no new content. Maybe I'm overthinking something that on the grand scale of life, doesn't matter one damn bit. But that's my brain and these are my thoughts so what can a girl do but vent?

My blog continues to be like a gravitational pull, however. Every time I stop I am still reading other people's blogs. Then I start thinking of my decaying blog and vow to go back. I think I've come to the conclusion that the point of my blog is that it makes me happy. I'm not trying to blog to get noticed, earn money or to get brand sponsors - that's never been what my blog has been about. I'm blogging to write and write about stuff that's sometimes random and that interests me and is what I am 'about'.

So, here I am, in 2017 carrying on my blog that I established on New Year's Eve 2012 as a mere 15 year old. This year I turn 20 and wave goodbye to the 'teen' accessory attached to my age stamp. A lot has changed and I am looking forward to what this year brings for myself and my blog.

Happy belated New Year and welcome back to my abandoned space! 

PS: Expect some upcoming posts, they're happening, they're being written. 

What Being A Feminist Means To Me

The first thing that I want to get off my chest is admitting that I was not a feminist until last week. This 'label' is pretty new. But here I am, labelled and with good reason.

It was only a week ago that I bothered to self-educate myself on feminism. Therefore, I am in no way an expert. My opinions and views are still growing. I am, what people call, 'finding my feet' with feminism. I will be writing a post on why I decided to embark on finally teaching myself about feminism soon...

This post won't be in any way telling you that you need to become a feminist. I am not selling feminism (at least not in this post). I also will fend away any person who feels that there is a rule book on being a feminist that must be followed in order to call yourself one. This post is about what being a feminist means to me. The topic has become a trend and there are both positives and negatives to that. I debated whether or not to even write this post because there will be people out there who might disagree. But then I also came to the conclusion that I don't care about that and I never have.

So here is what being a feminist means to me...

 Wearing a bra (or not)

Even at home I like to keep my bra on. It offers 'my girls' support and keeps them warm. My bra gives me confidence and makes me feel over the age of nine. I completely understand the feminist movement in motion of freeing the tits. But for me, being a feminist will mean keeping my boobs capped.

Purchasing shavers and using them 

The hairy armpit look is not for me. I don't like two ginger Loraxes hibernating under my pits. It's not for me. I shave my pits, my legs and anything I want to.

Wearing makeup  

Wearing makeup gives me confidence. It makes me feel great and I enjoy putting it on. My face doesn't define my femininity. It is a hobby that I started when I was twelve years old and haven't stopped since. Going 'makeup-less' is brave, sure, but to me it doesn't prove that you are a feminist. If women don't feel good wearing it then they shouldn't wear it. Any one that has a problem with either has a pathetic type of a problem on their hands.

Loving men 

Feminism suggests that you are 'pro women' but there is no hidden rule that you are or should be anti-men. Here is where I feel lies the massive problem of feminism. The general assumption that because you are a feminist you want to knock men down on your way to defeat - is totally wrong. Comparisons are drawn between men and women to highlight inequality in their rights. However, some feminists give the movement a bad name by man hating. Women are not better than men in the same way that cats are not better than dogs. Sure, its down to personal preference and opinion but let's not turn it into battle of the sexes.

Turning off caps lock

ANGRY TONES SEND THE WRONG MESSAGE AND PISS A LOT OF PEOPLE OFF. Being a feminist, I will not use caps lock to put across my opinions. I might crack a few weird jokes around the pretty dire situation women are in comparatively to men, but I will never shout. One of the things that I found incredibly off-putting about some feminist journalists was their inability to 'cool it'. I don't want to listen to rants, sorry. Rants and angry tones make everyone roll their eyes, including me.  They're disinteresting. Feminists are fed up because we want what should be rightfully ours but the way in which we communicate it is vitally important. No one wants to read a man-slashing article - especially not the men (and aren't they the ones we really need to be convincing here?).


That's all I've got for now. Obviously, there are many facets to what being a feminist means to me. But I thought I'd start by sharing some of my 'shocking' qualities of being one first. But ultimately, being a feminist means that I just want equal rights for men and women. 

Two Weeks In The Wilderness

THE VIEW FROM MY BEDROOM WINDOW

LIVING IN THE MOUNTAINS 

AN EVENING, A BOOK AND A SUNSET

LOCAL BATIK ARTISTS 

(two of their pieces are on my bedroom wall).

CUCHARA MOUNTAINS

A NORMAL EVENING...

GARDEN OF THE GODS

A SUNRISE AT 4AM

(yes I was awake to see this..)

With no internet signal and little mobile reception, I was left to my own devices in Colorado this Summer. I discovered what it was like to live without television and the modern luxuries that we take for granted back home. I loved reading and watching nature around me. My holiday was a time of reflection and realisation.

 I became aware of how addicted to technology I was after I experienced severe withdrawals...sweats, nervous habits and anticipation of what I was missing (exaggerated information here for effect). I found myself leaping to my phone to check Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook and news apps all the time (that part wasn't fabricated). I had zero internet in the middle of nowhere, of course - it was a practical history lesson of caveman times.

But even the Flintstones had a car and so did we. A twenty minute drive to the nearest town meant I could connect to the local library internet. After my initial frantic moments to get in contact with everyone I knew back home and update myself on everything, I felt like a deflated balloon (the feeling of emptiness). I hadn't missed out on anything except absorbing what was around me in Colorado. I stopped caring about 'socials' after my trip. It's meaningless, superficial and fake but that's why we all love it after all. It just took time away from it to realise that it doesn't exactly fill me with extreme amounts of joy. I now find myself wasting less time on my phone because 'adventure is out there'. 

Why I'm Back To Blogging After Nine Months

I've decided to try and keep this post short and sweet. Realistically it will probably cause your scrolling finger to cramp in 'scrolling position' on the mouse while you frantically try to decipher my ramble. In that case, I won't be held responsible for cases of Repetitive Strain Injury (which is a relatively painful thing, by the way). Any Tumblr or Blogging junky will tell you that after a long session of browsing/being creative, you can rarely feel your fingers. In fact, your finger has probably been cramped into a Captain Hook-esque device. But anyway, basically I'm back - hi.

I will struggle to descriptively map-out my past nine months without creating a two-hundered page autobiography. So, with that in mind, I will just briefly outline each event, then move on and then proceed with why I have made my return to blogging. 

9 MONTHS OF ME 

I got a job and worked relentlessly at a night-club for four long months of my life. 

Shortly after the 'blogging break' began, any sense of a break otherwise was terminated. I got my first 'proper job' (as blogging was always a self-employed, let's have a ball kind of situation). I barely slept, got a whole new understanding of the meaning of eye bags and came to hate all clubs and drunk people. It's all fun and games, until someone plastered in wrinkles with grey hairs sprouting out of their nose hits on you daily. I also didn't see daylight ever - my shifts were on average 6pm-5am. Sleep all day, party work all night. 

I went to America, came home and then went to America again.

After quitting my job at one of the busiest nightclubs in my area, I decided to have some fun. Because girls really do just want to have fu-un. I went to L.A. and felt fabulous. I drank green juice and radiated from the constant sunlight. I went to the Kardashians' Dash store and couldn't afford a thing but I'm pretty sure Kendall Jenner whizzed past in her car as I walked down the sidewalk (yeah, I'm basically an LA natural). I enjoyed my time very much. 

Then, I flew home and flew back to America, to Colorado. A family house is out there and I had a zen experience. To say the house is in the wilderness is a massive understatement. One peaceful night, I glanced outside my bedroom window only to come face to face with a black bear. Just the window glass separated me and the bear. I crept back into bed and let the bear be, while I quivered under my bed clothes and listened to the countless cricket noises (or at least, I think they were crickets..). I didn't have any internet and the nearest civilisation point was twenty minutes' drive away. It was one of my most treasured experiences. 

Two days after I landed back in the UK, I went to University for a week and then dropped out. 

This is the most recent event and one of the hardest and easiest things I've had to do. Last year, I applied to do English Literature at University. Why? Because I thought that it was the best thing to do for my future. It seemed like a 'sensible' option. I had always excelled at English, was capable of doing it and I enjoyed it at school. It seemed like a good concoction of reasons despite my gut knowing that I didn't want to do it. But, I went for it. After all, I'd already taken an unplanned gap year due to medical reasons and I didn't want to 'waste time'. Fast forward to September - I'm sat on the campus bed at one of the UK's top Universities, crying on the phone to my Mum, my sister and my best friends. I felt like I had trapped myself in an educational prison. I knew I'd made a mistake the second I sat down in the lecture theatre. I wasn't doing what I wanted. The worst part about the whole experience was that I knew all along. English wasn't for me. My passion was elsewhere and I left University after my first week was over. The decision was emotional but I have absolutely no regrets. It's the most confident decision that I have ever made. The most important lesson that I learnt from the whole 'ordeal' was that I am in control of my life decisions and my happiness. From now on, I won't be embarking on anything without passion and confidence and that all important happy 'gut-feeling'. When it's right, it's right.

 The now...

At the moment, I am doing bits of acting, writing and self-educating. I am combining all the things I love and spending my days doing it. I am back at home for the moment and I am OK with that. I chose to be back and I have a plan for the future which involves a creative degree in something I love. The saying, 'You never know what the future holds' is wholeheartedly true. 

and why I'm back...

I am simply back to blogging because I enjoy it. The posts that I will be writing will mainly be lifestyle, fashion and arts focused. My posts will take the form of long or short snippets of my thoughts or alternatively will be solely photographic. Basically, I'm claiming my blog back. This dusty little webspace of mine is being revived - begone tumbleweeds! Welcome, I hope you'll get cosy. 

My Blogging Timeout.

When I blog, usually it's a form of escapism for me. I write to escape. Perhaps not always intentionally but when I'm sat here writing - it's usually for a 'timeout' from other life related things. The things that I am escaping from, or choosing to put on hold while I'm blogging, can be as boring as unloading the dishwasher. But, regardless, I choose to blog to ignore that cutlery standing proud and clean waiting to be unloaded.

I started blogging daily last month. To be honest, this really wasn't planned. Daily blogging for me has always seemed out of the question. I have always had other commitments that I needed to prioritise. As a student, work always came first. When it came to family, family came first. And when it came to responsibilities, I always considered them before sitting down to type on this little webpage of mine.

Daily blogging was unplanned. But, it excited me beyond expression. I suddenly had all this free time to focus on my blog content and get my blog to the standard that I have always wanted it. For the first time ever, I was prioritising 'blog time'.

But it resulted in me taking another 'timeout'.

Daily blogging was fun. I had a tonne of post ideas and I wrote them down furiously in the day and published them in the night. I have never been good at holding onto a post waiting to release it. Once I write it - it's usually published a few minutes after I've done the proof reading.

So, for that reason, I perhaps took a different approach to daily blogging from my fellow bloggers. Usually for them, posts are written in bulk. They dedicate one or two days to full-on blogging and collect a nice pile of posts to release daily or throughout the week.

I would love to be able to say that I have the patience to keep all of my posts and slowly release them. On days where I get insane amounts of motivation and copious amounts of post ideas one after another, shortly after writing them all up I'll go ahead and release them all. Not the best blogging tactic admittedly and it's definitely something I need to lockdown on in this new year.

With all these details I have now acquainted you with - picture this. Me - no makeup (in fact, no consideration for my vanity at all), hot drinks strewn everywhere (now cold because I've been furiously typing away), eyes glued to the computer screen (yes, when I'm blogging, nothing else exists), a puppy sleeping patiently below my feet desperate for a cuddle. I was like the blogging equivalent of a 'mad scientist'. Driven a little bit manic with my 'creative burst' and dedication to write. And I loved every minute.

Needless to say, this scene was repeated every day. I woke up, had breakfast, blogged, took part in 'blogger chats' on Twitter and went to sleep. Eat, sleep, blog, repeat. Chant it with me now - Eat, sleep, blog, repeat. Eat, sleep, blog, repeat!

Yes, it was tiring. But, what I didn't realise straight away was what I'd taken from my blogging experience. My blog had become a little bit like an imaginary friend. I could see it, but no one else really could. I was putting in so many hours and really stretching and pushing myself to create the best standard of daily posts that I could. That's not a complaint - it's just a fact. All that the people who read the post saw was another published blog post - thank god they didn't see the hag like figurine that had been typing it furiously.

Like all imaginary friends, usually, the novelty wears off. You prance around with that friend for a while. For those few days/weeks, that friend is better than your 'real' one. It is your pal. You do everything with it. You eat together, get dressed together, pick out outfits together - you do everything together. Having a blog is like this.

Practically every moment of every day is dominated with maternal thoughts towards your blog. Whether it's coming up with new post ideas, replying to comments, keeping in  touch with the blogging community - a blog is hard work!

Bloggers wouldn't do it if they didn't like it. So, arrest me now, I'm a freak - I like this added work in my life that I've created for myself. However, (yes there is a clause) - I found that by doing it 'daily', this destroyed a dimension of why I love my blog - the element of 'escapism' was lost.

I was no longer blogging now and then to flee from my worldly 'issues'. I was practically a full-time blogger without the nice pay cheque. (I don't blog for money - nah uh.) Instead, my blog became my 'issue'. I'll even admit that I was overrun with blog post ideas in my dreams. Every thought process was related to a blog post. 'Oh my, what a pretty looking salad plate - I must post this on my blog and name it 'salad'!' While this post idea never made the 'cut' (obviously, because it's preposterous - haha), I had lists of ideas racing through my brainwaves at all times.

No longer did I sit down to escape. I sat down to knuckle down and publish some posts to be proud of in military style. I don't regret trying out daily blogging. I started off loving it and I still do. It's just that it really did take away an element of my blog that I've loved for so many years. I had been robbed of my 'timeout' space. I needed that 'escape' but it wasn't my escape any longer because it became my focus.

So, I'm having a little timeout. Me and my 'imaginary friend' have sat down together. We've realised that we both need some space. We had fun while it lasted but spending every second of every day together is intense for anybody. It's going to be a shock to the system this 'separation' but we'll be seeing each other regularly nevertheless. I'll be sitting down to blog at least every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. To be honest, it will probably be more. But I need my 'escape' space and this is how I get it back.

Sorry if this is selfish but we all have to find our 'blogging' balance. This is mine. See you soon 'imaginary friend' - our time has been wild.

♥